Control and Influence for Parent-Advocates
There are many stressful aspects of being the parent of a child with a disability. Extra meetings, therapies, special techniques - it can be overwhelming. With the coronavirus pandemic, a whole new level of uncertainty has been added into the mix complicating matters even more. With the uncertainty regarding the pandemic, your family’s educational, financial, and safety goals may be at odds with each other. Uncertainty often leads people to feelings of stress or anxiety. When you are experiencing stress or anxiety, you are not at your best and your effectiveness is decreased.
Focus on What You Can Control
A good place to begin in restoring yourself to a calm state is to assess what is in your control and what is not in your control. You can’t control the weather. You, as an individual, can’t control politics, nor can you control the pandemic. You can’t control other people or their actions.
There are, however, many things that are in your control. First, it may be difficult, but you can control your mindset and attitude. For parents, controlling your mindset and attitude are especially important. Without even saying a word, you set the tone for your children. You don’t want to introduce stress and negativity to them. Think positive thoughts and your good mood will become contagious.
Negative thoughts lead to bad moods, which can in turn, lead to poor decisions. While it may be difficult, changing your mindset is possible. Be intentional about the process. Small changes can go a long way. Instead of watching a news program that may be upsetting, listen to uplifting music. Reframe your negative thoughts in a way that highlights choice. Instead of “I have to…” think “I get to…” For example, “I have to an IEP meeting” becomes “I get to go to an IEP meeting and advocate for my child.”
Also within your control is your wellness. Taking care of your physical being through practices such as eating healthy foods, drinking water, exercising, and getting enough sleep is always important. You can also influence your health and wellness by following guidelines related to reducing the spread of the virus including social distancing, face masks, handwashing, and other guidelines presented by public health officials. You can teach and encourage your child to do the same.
Your Circle of Influence
Now that you have made the distinction between what you can control and what is not in your control, I want you to think about the area where those two things intersect. As described by Steven Covey in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, this area is known as the circle of influence. Be clear about the distinction between influence and control.
When you influence someone, you are attempting to impact or affect that person’s thinking or actions. Ultimately, the other person will retain their autonomy and make their own decision but, your comments or actions may impact them.
Being Proactive
Becoming aware of your circle of influence promotes a proactive mindset. After you have determined what is in your control, what is not in your control, and what things are within your circle of influence you can become more focused in your efforts. Focus your energy on things that you can control and influence. Reduce energy to things outside of your control.
There are things you can do to become a more proactive parent-advocate for your child with an IEP. The IEP journey is complex and full of terminology and procedures that are new to most people. The IEP team is required to provide you with a copy of your parental rights. Take some time to read them and to learn more about your rights. In addition to reading your parental rights, you will also likely find it beneficial to seek out other sources of information from parent support groups, courses, or other agencies designed to assist parents in navigating the special education maze. Knowing what to expect is half the battle.
In addition to learning more about special education rules and procedures, learn more about the specifics of your child’s disability. Research the types of interventions, programs, and services that have been proven through research to improve outcomes. This information will help you to know what to ask for in your child’s IEP.
Also within your control and your circle of influence is the tone of your communication. It is understandable for you to be emotional when discussing issues that have to do with your children. As difficult as it is, remain professional in your interactions with your child’s school team.
When you are armed with information, you can be a more empowered parent-advocate. When you communicate professionally can influence the tone of your meetings. While you may not be able to fully control the outcome, you can more confidently exert your influence with the team increasing the likelihood that your child will get the services that he or she needs.
Dr. Brandi Tanner is a Nationally Certified School Psychologist and former special educator with over 15 years of experience in her fields. She founded Your IEP Source to guide parents through the IEP journey and to empower them to become better advocates for their children.